When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

A police officer pulled over a roughneck (an oilfield worker) over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Roughneck: I don't have one - I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Roughneck: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

Roughneck: That's right. But come to think of it, I believe I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag??

Roughneck: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike. I also stuffed his dope in the saddle bag.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bag too?!?!

Roughneck: Yes sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The roughneck was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the roughneck to handle the tense situation

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Roughneck: Sure! Here it is.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

Roughneck: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Roughneck: Sure sir. But there's no gun in it.

The captain searched his tool bag and, sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

Roughneck: No problem sir.

The captain searched the saddle bags - no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it! The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags!

Roughneck: Yeah! I'll bet he told you I was speeding too.

Donald Trump, what's 2+2?

I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it's probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.

God was telling John how the world would end, so he could write it in Revelations.

"So Lord," said John, "the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

"No," said God, "I said Trump/Pence."

"Gotcha, trumpets!"

"No, nevermind," said God, "They'll know."

A store has just opened in New York City that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.

"$165,000", she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.

Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.

"Gambling" she muttered.

"What kind of gambling?" the president asked.

"Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular."

"Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win."

"Would you care to accept the bet, then?" asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.

"Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!"

"Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?"

"Sure", said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.

That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.

The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.

"So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!"

The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!

That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.

"What's the problem with your attorney, ma'am?"

"Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand."

An old Texas Oil Man drove his brand new Corvette out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-20, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said:

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old oil man paused. Then he said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir." replied the trooper.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

An interviewer was asking a farmer about his cows.

"How much milk do these cows give?" asked the interviewer.

"Which one?" responded the farmer. "The black one or the brown one?"

"The brown one" said the interviewer.

"A couple of litres per day", replied the farmer.

"And the black one?" asked the interviewer.

"A couple of litres per day."

The interviewer was a bit flummoxed. "I see," he continued. "Well, what do you give them to eat?"

"Which one? Black or brown?" the farmer asked.

"Black." said the interviewer.

"Well, it eats grass", said the farmer.

"And the other one?" asked the interviewer.

"Grass." said the farmer.

The interviewer had now grown annoyed. "Why do you keep asking which one I mean when the answers are the same?!"

"Because the black one's mine", said the farmer.

"Oh, and the brown one?" asked the interview.

The farmer smiled and said, "It's also mine."

An American walks into a pub in Australia and says "I'll have a bud light."

The bartender replies, "You're an American, aren't you?"

The guy asks, "How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?"

To which the bartender replies "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

A woman finds out she's been cheated on by her husband. She's devastated and doesn't know how to continue on with her life.

She recalled that she'd heard of a very wise monk who lives at the top of a mountain, so she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk.

"I spent my whole life with him! Now that he's left me for a younger women, I feel like my life has been stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do."

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks, "Is the cookie delicious?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Do you want another?" he asks.

"Yes, please."

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then speaks slowly. "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, a bigger one, but it's never enough... Nothing lasts forever. Everything is impermanent... We should be aware and not disappointed in what we have."

Disappointed, the monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

An angel appears to the head of a Philosophy Department and proclaims, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose: wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The professor looks up and says, "I should have taken the money."

While she was speeding down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and asked, "Hey lady, What's your hurry?"

"I'm late for work," she replied.

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a full glass of beer, the second orders half a glass, the third orders a quarter of a glass, and so on.

Finally, getting frustrated, the bartender pours two beers and says, "Whoa, whoa, slow down. You guys need to learn your limits."

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

Now what the fuck would you say?"

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the "old fashioned way" as they were pretty outgoing.

For 3 months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

A husband and wife go to a restaurant.

The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis. Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as.

"A fireman," he replies.

"A fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar," she says.

"Exactly," he answers. "Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"

I was waiting at the bus stop.

A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

A psychic is buying clothes.

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast and as I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all and I gave her a banging right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She chuckled, "The egg timer's broken."

Three men go to heaven and meet Saint Peter.

They were each greeted warmly and told to answer all questions truthfully. St. Peter asks the first man: "You were married, but were you faithful? Remember, I will know if you are lying."

"Absolutely, I never cheated once in my life." claimed the man, pride gleaming in his eyes.

"Very good, here is a sports car as a reward. Enjoy." said St. Peter smiling as he hands over his keys.

St. Peter turns to the second man and asks him the same question. The second man has a bit of shame in his expression as he confesses. "I may have cheated once or twice, I did always love my wife though."

"Well you are telling the truth and even though you haven't been completely faithful your sins have been forgiven. Take this Prius as a way to get around heaven." St.Peter smiles and hands over the keys. He turns to the last man who is looking quite nervous. Asking the same question once more the man decides to come clean and confess his sins without shame.

"Yes I cheated on my wife. I took every chance I got and it was fun. I'm sure it happened at least twice a month." The man proclaimed, his eyes gleaming with a bit of defiance.

"Well I won't send you to hell because you were brave enough to confess your misgivings. Here, take this Vespa to get around." St. Peter smiles wryly at the man as he hands over the keys. The three men take their vehicles and drive off.

A week later the three men meet up by chance and decide to have a bit of a chat. The man with the sports car however has a sour expression on his face. The other two ask him what made him so upset. He angrily replies: "I saw my wife yesterday, she was getting around heaven on roller skates!"

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

"Simple," grins the millionaire, "I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

A redneck calls the police with a tip about his neighbor.

He says, "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly thereafter, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia where sitting at the bar.

To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exclaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He announces:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

Guy: "Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?"

Doctor: "Let me tell you a story: 'There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!'"

Guy: "Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..."

Doctor: "Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..."

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the Earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 5 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j- joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment ," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k- kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, "Her- ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H- Hel-Hello, M-m- maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m-me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Trump and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"

Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope slapped him.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing!" he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas."

She continues, "Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

So I was at the bar last night, and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?!"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"

Everyone laughed hysterically. Except this one guy.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant.

As the food was served, the husband said, "The Food looks delicious, let's eat."

"Honey..." says the wife, "Aren't you going to say a prayer before eating?"

"That's for home sweetheart. Here the chef knows how to cook."

My dad and I were driving past a cemetery, when suddenly he looked at me and said in a very serious voice, "I know something you don't know about this place."

"What's that?" I asked.

"The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried in here"

I was really confused, so I asked why.

"Because they are still alive."

A doctor calls a patient and notifies him, "I have some bad news, and some very bad news."

"Well, might as well give me the bad news first," says the patient.

"The lab called with your results, " continues the doctor. "You have 24 hours to live."

"24 hours!?" replies the patient. "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The doctor responds, "Well, your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

I told a girl a joke.

She said, "Don't quit your day job."

I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man sat in the driver's seat, looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55..."

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of the cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

"The cat died," said the husband.

The wife burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing."

After a pause the wife continued, "By the way, how is my mom?"

"She is playing on the roof."

An old man was standing in line at the pearly gates of heaven for so long that when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name.

Without a name St. Peter couldn't look the man up in the Big Book, so he called Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."

Jesus is like "Huh, another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"

The man shakes his head a bit and says, "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle."

Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes. "Father?!?", he asks.

The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio?!?"

A preacher, priest and rabbi walk into a bar. They sit down and have a chat and eventually begin to discuss how they manage their living expenses.

The preacher says "On Sundays we have a collection. At the end of the day, I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money in the air. Whatever lands on the other side of the line is for the church, and whatever lands on my side I keep."

The priest says, "Oh, I do something very similar except I draw a circle. I throw the money in the air, and whatever lands in the circle belongs to the church and whatever lands outside of it I keep."

The rabbi says, "Oh, I do something very similar as well. I take the money and throw it in the air, whatever God wants he takes and whatever falls back down is mine."

An alcoholic wakes up in jail.

He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking," replies the officer.

"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his new convertible this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you set goals, work hard, and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year!"

Mickey Mouse was fed up and wanted a divorce from Minnie. He went to the courthouse to get it official, but the judge wasn't going to let it happen.

He said, "Mickey, I can't let your divorce your wife because you think she's crazy."

Mickey yelled back,"I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy."

Three engineers are arguing about what kind of engineer God is.

The mechanical engineer says, "Just look at the muscular system, all the fluid dynamics and joints. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."

To which the electrical engineer says. "No, no, no, just look at the nervous system! The way impulses are sent all over the body and how the brain stores information; God was clearly an electrical engineer."

"I'm sorry guys, God was a civil engineer," says the civil engineer. "No one else would run a waste disposal pipeline right through the entertainment district."

The maid recently asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria replied, "Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the wife.

"Your husband, he said so," replied Maria.

"Oh really?" said the wife.

"The second reason," Maria said, "is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense," replied the wife, "who said you were a better cook than me?"

"Your husband did," said Maria.

The wife was becoming increasingly agitated and said, "Oh he did, did he???"

"The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed," said Maria.

The wife, really boiling now, said through gritted teeth, "And did my husband say that as well?"

"No Senora," replied Maria. "The gardener did."

I was at an Ikea this last weekend, wandering around the show room, when I absentmindedly ran into a young guy doing the same thing.

I apologized to him, explaining that I'd been mesmerized by the massive quantity of things and had somehow wandered away from my wife. With my mind preoccupied, I guess I hadn't really been looking where I was going.

He laughed, and explained that he'd lost his wife too. I offered to help him look for his wife if he'd help me look for mine.

The young guy starts telling me what his wife looks like. "Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, wears a 34DD on days she wears a bra, and is in Daisy Dukes and a white tee today. What about yours?"

I told him, "It doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

A man walks into a bar and orders six shots of whiskey.

The bartender says, "Whoa, six shots? What's the problem?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

The next night the same man walks into the bar, and again orders six shots of whiskey.

"What's the matter now?" asks the bartender.

"I just found out my younger brother is gay," says the man.

The next night the man walks into the bar for the third night in a row and again orders six shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "Geeze man does ANYBODY in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife does."

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said Tom. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other ones 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins Are you blind, or stupid?"

So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just can't believe someone fucked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A guy arrives at the pearly gates of heaven.

Saint Peter looks at him, looks in The Book and says, "I don't see anything really good for you. Nothing really bad either. Let's make a deal: you give me one good deed you performed and I let you pass in heaven."

The guy scratches his head. "Well, I was minding my own business when I see ten bikers messing with a lady. I arrive and ask them to stop but a 7-foot giant, covered in tattoos and with crazy eyes tells me to leave or he'll kill me. But I stand up and tell him to fuck off."

Saint Peter looks again in his book, amazed, and says, "I don't see that in my book. When did this happen?"

"About five minutes ago."

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill, "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders ten of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out, "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After ten minutes of battle, again silence.

The calm Finnish voice calls out again, "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the three remaining survivors received their medals, the president said, "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measure."

The first soldier, the biggest of them said, "Sir, measure the distance between my toes and my forehead, sir!" The president said, "78 inches. That's 78,000 Dollars!" He received his money and happily walked off.

The second said "Sir, I'll take the distance between one hand and the other," as he spreads his arms. The president measures it and says, "76 inches. That's 76,000 Dollars!" The young soldier couldn't complain. He took his money and walked off.

Finally, the president asked the third soldier, a tough old veteran who has killed many men in his life. Without showing any emotion he said, "From the tip of my dick to my balls." The president is surprised, and a bit disgusted, but being a man of his word, he pulls down the old veteran's pants.

"Where are your balls?" asked the president.

"Iraq, sir."

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem.

His friends noticed a dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore," said one of his friends.

"I hired a professional worrier for $1,000.00 a week, Tom replied. "I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a week?!" said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"

"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

Two blondes were sipping their iced coffees when a truck went by loaded with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed!"

A guy walks up to the counter and says, "Ma'am, I'd like to order a Guinness."

"You must be Irish," she replies.

"Oh, so ordering a Guinness makes me Irish? If I ordered a Pizza, would you assume I'm Italian?"

"I didn't"

"And if I ordered a Bratwurst, would that make me German?"

"No, but"

"So why the hell do you think I'm Irish then?"

"Sir, this is a bookstore."

A little boy was eating in a restaurant for his birthday, when he started eating without a prayer.

His parents turn to him and say, "We say a prayer before eating in our house!"

The little boy replies, "Yeah, that's in our house, but here the chef knows how to cook!"

A fighter pilot is shot down over Germany in World War II. He wakes up in a German POW hospital. A German officer is standing over his bed as he comes-to.

"I'm verry sorry to inform you, but vee haff had to amputate your left leg," says the officer.

"Oh no," cries the pilot, "I lost a limb? This is terrible news. Crutches for the rest of my life and all that. Listen, could you boys do me a favor? Could you drop my leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

The German confers with his peers and answers, "Ziss vee can do."

A week later, the American awakens to find the officer standing over him again.

"Unfortunately, zee infection has spread, and vee must take your uzza leg."

"No! Crikey! I'll have to get a little cart, and sell pencils in front of the library. Listen; can you boys drop my other leg over my base, so it can receive an American burial?"

Again, the German speaks to his fellows. "Ziss vee can do."

After another week, the American wakes to the German again.

"Vee are very sorry, but zee infection has spread to your right arm. Vee must take zat one as vell."

"Oh, cruel gods! No, no! Listen, can you boys do me a favor? Can you drop..."

"ZISS VEE CANNOT DO!!" the German interrupts.

"...but...why not?" asks the American.

"Vee sink you're trying to escape..."

A guy walks into a tailor in Ancient Greece. He tosses a toga onto the counter. The tailor picks it up, turns it over and finds a gash across the waist.

The tailor looks up at the man and says, "Euripides?"

The man nods and says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"

A physicist, engineer, and statistician go hunting.

After a long day of no luck, they are walking back dejectedly, rifles slung over their shoulders. Suddenly, they spot a deer in a clearing 150 feet away.

"I'll get him," the physicist says, doing some quick calculations and taking aim. BANG! The shot goes 10 feet long, but amazingly, the deer continues grazing.

"You idiot," the engineer says, "you didn't account for gravity or drag!" So he pulls out his notebook, does some quick calculations, and fires using his recalibrated aim. BANG! But the shot falls 10 feet short.

Suddenly, the statistician shouts, "We got him!"

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

Pleased with the first program, he calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape, and he does his best to catch her, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

A man comes home from work one day and asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer before it starts?" The wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one chug.

A few minutes go by, and he asks his wife again, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?" Again, the wife gets the beer and he drinks it in one go.

After another half hour, he once more asks his wife, "Can you get me a beer, before it starts?"

At that point the wife says, "Are you sure you want another beer? Isn't two enough for the evening?"

The man replies, "Aaaand it started."

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice of God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies.

So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "Head into this casino and play blackjack." George does.

After playing a few hands, God says, "Bet all of your savings on this hand." George does. He is then dealt an 18. the dealer has a five showing, so George feels confident.

However, God says "Take a card." George hesitates, but takes it. An Ace! 19!

"Take another one." Another Ace! 20!

George is ecstatic, until God says, "Take another card." George is nervous, so he closes his eyes, and yells, "Hit me!" Another Ace! 21!

George is ecstatic, and then he hears God say, "Holy shit, that was fuckin unbelievable!"

So the wife and I were in town shopping, and as we came out of a store, three girls aged between 18 and 20 walked by, wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.

I gently nudged my wife and said "I bet you wish you still had legs like that!".

She got really upset with me. in fact I could still hear her sobbing as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store.

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, Sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

An Irishman goes to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighs, looks him in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and I'm afraid it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

The guy is shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He walks back into the waiting room where his son is waiting for him and says, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's go to the pub and have a few pints."

After four or five pints, they are feeling a little less somber. There are some laughs and more beers. Eventually the two are approached by some of the guy's old friends who ask them what they are celebrating. So the guy tells his friends, "I've got only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

His friends give are quite shocked about this and so they stay to have a couple of beers with him and his son. After his friends leave, the guy's son leans over to his dad and whispers in confusion, "Dad, I though you said that you had cancer? Why you just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

"Well", the guy says, "I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said.

"Do you think I pay people to do that?"

"Probably," I replied, "You're not exactly the best looking guy in the world."

A policeman just pulled me over. He came up to my window and said, "papers?"

I said, "Scissors, I win," and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Prince charming want to get married, finds Snow White and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, Majesty."

Prince charming shows his penis and asks:

Do you know what this is?

"Your beautiful penis, Prince.

I'm leaving. I want an innocent woman.

The Prince then goes to Cinderella's house and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, yes!"

Prince charming takes his penis out and asks:

Do you know what this is?

"Your lovely penis, manly Prince."

I'm leaving. I demand an innocent woman.

The Prince later finds Little Red Riding Hood in the forest and asks:

Will you marry me?

"Of course, Your Highness."

Prince charming takes the member out and asks:

What is this?

"That's a little sausage, my Prince."

Marveled at the innocent of Little Red Riding Hood, Prince charming marries her.

On the wedding night, the Prince takes his dick out and tells Little Red Riding Hood:

You know, this is not a sausage, it's a penis, my love.

And she says:

"No, my Prince. That's just a little sausage. Big bad wolf has a penis!

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I said, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus."

"A miracle?!" he laughed.

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties.

It didn't help that they were still on her.

Or that all of his family was there, too.

Frankly, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

The Perfect Man:

- wakes up at 5 am everyday

- exercises everyday

- makes his own bed

- cleans his room

- works sincerely

- does not touch alcohol

- helps in the kitchen

- does not indulge in night life

- always punctual

- prays daily

- hits the bed at 9 pm sharp

Such a perfect man can only be found in jail.

Two kids were talking together.

First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands."

Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?"

First: "Yes, of course."

Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."

The optimist sees the glass half full.

The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.

"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena.

Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."

"But, Jim, what about the smell?"

"Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

A blonde says to her doctor, "Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts."

The doctor says, "Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup."

Customer: Could you please call me a cab?

Little Johnny: OK... "You're a cab."

What exercise do Hairdressers do in the gym?

Curls.

Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?

They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.

What does a blonde do when it gets cold?

Sits around a candle

What does she do when it gets really cold?

Lights it

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says "I'm lonely.

I wish my friends were back here."

There are 17 blondes standing outside a disco but why couldn't they get in?

The sign said "must be 18 to enter".

George knocked on the door of his friend's house.

When his friend's mother answered he asked, 'can Albert come out to play?'

'No, said the mother, 'it's too cold.'

'Well, then,' said George, ' can his football come out to play?'

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me.

I know all of them!"

Her friend said, "O.K.

then, what's the capital of France?"

The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy!

F."

There was a prison break and I saw a dwarf climb up the fence.

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

A father and son are in the living room when the dad's feet get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" he says.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying," they retort.

Okay, I'll prove it then, "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"What's the point of fucking one?!"

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....,"

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on my land!! No questions asked or answers given!! I have made my self clear?....Do you understand?!!!"

I nodded politely, apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull..... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get stuffed before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs....

"Your badge, show him your fucking badge!!!"

I got an F in arithmetic

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

A man goes to see a doctor. He walks up to the sign in desk and tells the lady behind the desk he needs to see the doctor because he's invisible. The lady goes to get the doctor and says, "There is a man here who wants to see you. He says he is invisible." The doctor says to the lady, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

A Scottish priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road.

So he calls the police to inform them. A cocky sergeant answers the called. "Did ye read him his last rites?" smirks the sergeant. "Naw." replies the priest." I thought I would inform his next of kin first!"

A boy and a man are walking into a dark forest.

"I'm scared", says the boy.

The man replies, "You think you're scared, I have to walk out of here alone!"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you are talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and kept the phone down

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road and dies.

If only men would listen.

An ugly woman walked into a store a with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins, Are you blind or just stupid?"

The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck you twice."

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute, and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma.

One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

One day, a horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender exclaims "Well I'll be! We've never have a weasel in here before. You can have whatever you want. What'll it be?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?"

She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious."

"Very good, Cindy!" says the teacher, "Anyone else want to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand. "Yes, Johnny?"

"Well," he says, "I was helping my dad in the yard last week, and we saw the neighbor painting his house. He was using a small brush, so I asked my dad, 'Daddy, why is he using such a small brush?' and he says, 'I don't know son, but it's gonna take that contagious.'"

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?' Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'

'Dammit, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly.

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night.

When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Frank Feldman on the street corner.

Frank chuckled leeringly and said,

"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbours feared her, and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The husband put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down."

A husband and wife were grocery shopping when the husband picked up a case of Budweiser and placed it in the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife.

"It's on sale. Only $10 for a case," he replies.

"We can't afford it. Put it back," demands the wife. They continue shopping and a few minutes later the wife puts a $20 jar of face cream into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

"So does the Budweiser and it's half the price," retorts the husband.

Johnny's grandad gives him a new bicycle for his birthday.

"This is a very special, highly advanced bicycle. It can do things no other bike can do. But you must take it out for a ride at least every 7 days, or it will injure you", says his granddad.

Johnny puts the bicycle in his shed and forgets about it for a week. Then one day, Johnny goes to the shed to take the bike out for a ride. But as he's about to pick it up, the bike jumps on Johnny and beats him up.

"Why did you do that?" Johnny asks the bicycle. "Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" it replies.

"But that's why I'm here, to take you for a ride"

So Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again it jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell?" says Johnny, "Why'd you beat me up again?"

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days" replies the bicycle.

"But that's what I'm about to do - take you out for a ride," says Johnny.

So again, Johnny goes to pick up the bike, and again, the bike jumps on him and beats him up.

"What the hell man, why'd you keep doing that?" asks Johnny.

"Because you haven't taken me out to ride in 7 days", replies the bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

A man gets married and his mother in Law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother in Law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

"Alright, I have some good news and I've got some bad news", says the doctor. The man asks to start with the bad news.

"First of all, your mother in Law is not going to die. She will probably live for about 20-30 more years. However, she suffered from a major stroke and unfortunately has some pretty bad side effects from it"

The man prepares himself for the worst.

"The stroke somehow ruined her ability to speak so she makes a loud screeching noise like a parrot. She will need to be under constant supervision. Her motor functions have also taken a hit so she will not be able to perform certain tasks like bathing and eating, so you and your wife will have to give her a bath and feed her everyday for the next 20 - 30 years."

The man is hoping that is all the doctor has to say...

"She also has a form of incontinence so she will have to wear a diaper that you and your wife will have to change for the next 20 - 30 years. I'm really sorry, this must be a lot to process"

The man, beginning to tear up, asks for the long-awaited good news

Laughingly, the doctor says, "Nahhhh I'm just messing with you, she died."

A magician was working on a cruise ship

Since the audience was different every week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "look, it's not the same hat", or "look, he's hiding flowers under the table", or "hey, why are all of the cards aces?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One stormy night on the pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but didn't utter a word

This went on for a day, then two days, then three days. Finally the parrot couldn't hold back and said

"Okay I give up, where's the ship?"

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why are you so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why are you so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was pointing. Then he says "I'm impressed! I really can see your house from here! In fact, I even can tell that there are a man and a woman both naked on the balcony."

The shop owner, realising what was going on, says "Tell you what: You can keep this scope free of charge, if you shoot my wife in the head and that guy in the dick." And as he says it, he hands over two bullets to the marksman.

The marksman replies "I think I'll only need one, though."

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant...

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase in my garage!"

The Godfather says, "Well!? What did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says to go fuck yourself. You don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A taxi driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book.

Upon reading the entry for the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the taxi driver and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that taxi driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the he drove his taxi, people prayed."

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism

His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went out to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy"?

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home".

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy"?

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home".

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad"?

The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once".

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Today my son was sent home from school for receiving a hand-job from a girl in his class for the third time this year. Each time this has happened he has been given a stern talking to from the principal and had to change schools.

Tired of constantly moving around, I said to him "Son if this keeps happening they are going to ban you from teaching altogether."

A drunk man walks into a bar looking for a fight, so he stands up in the front of the bar and yells out, "All lawyers are assholes!"

The bar falls silent for a few seconds before a man finally gets up from his table, taps the drunk man on the shoulder, and says "Take that back."

The drunk man responds, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

To which the man replies "No, I'm an asshole."

Three guy friends go on vacation and when they arrive at their hotel, they find that only one room is available - with only one king sized bed. After much reluctance, they agree to all sleep in the same bed.

The next morning, the guy on that slept on the right said, "Holy shit I had the best dream about a beautiful girl wackin' me off."

The guy on the left said, "No way I was having the same fucking dream!"

The guy in the middle then said, "You guys are disgusting! We're sharing a bed, and you two are dreaming about handjobs?! I just dreamt that I was skiing!"

So I'm fucking this guy in the ass, right?

... and I'm fucking him, and I'm fucking him ...

... and I'm fucking him ...

... and then I reach around, and he's HARD.

And I'm like "SHIT, THIS GUY IS GAY!"

A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down. It's nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature has dropped way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale-force.

All the while, his wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

The chief tells the three men, "Tonight, you will be killed. However, you have one chance to save yourselves. Go now into the woods and gather ten of whatever fruit you find, then bring it back here." The three men go off into the woods.

The first man returns some time later with 10 apples. The chief says, "Very good. Now, for us to spare your life, you must shove all ten apples up your butt without making a single sound. If you succeed, you will be free. If you fail, we eat you." The man agrees and is working on the third apple when he winces, and he is promptly killed.

A little while later, the second man appears with ten small berries and is told the same thing. He is nine berries in when he bursts out laughing, and he is promptly killed. The two men meet in heaven and the first man says "I was watching the whole thing from up here, and you were so close! Why on Earth did you start laughing?"

The second man answers, "I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

An old Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot – what about you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

"Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. "It's the only way I can see the numbers!"

A son comes home and says to his parents, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

There is a pause and a look of confusion on his parents' faces. The father slowly clenches his fist.

The mother says, "Don't!"

The father begins to sweat profusely.

The mother is terrified.

Finally the father speaks, "HI GAY, I'M DAD!"

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole. I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new boat!"

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet.

The first caller get's through, "Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man, "And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! Goan fuck yerself!"

A mother asks here son, "Why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!"

"Well," stats the son, "would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?"

"Of course not!"

"Well, neither would he."

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," replies the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine?" asks the trooper.

The priest looks at the bottle in amazement and exclaims, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down.

After a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye.

"How did you get yours?" he asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies. "The girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg, and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"

"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man. "Mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life!'"

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor, asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other.

The man looks confused by her odd request, so he asks why.

She calmly looks at him and replies, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one goes to the barman and says, "oooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo OoOooOOoOooooo OOOOOOOoOOooooOoOoOOoOoo OoOOoOOoooooooo OOOOOOOoOOOoOOooooooooo."

The second one turns to the first and says, "shut up Frank, you're drunk."

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by what appears to be a bloodthirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the life out of the chief. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again, "Now you're screwed."

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at desk grimaces and replies, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck."

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is and says, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself very well, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh, that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is extremely happy and exclaims, "Yay I got a yob!"

Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.

The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver, "Sorry to pull you over, father, but we're currently searching for two child molesters."

The two priests turn and look at each other for a few moments and then the driver turns back to the cop and responds, "Alright officer, we'll do it."

A horse walks into a bar

The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian stares at him for a while and then asks, "Who's gonna bring it back?"

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Hey buddy, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually the son returns home, but now he is a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he also returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians.

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd ... "

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say, "Shae, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Shae always replied, "I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

Finally, one year when they went to the fair Dave pleaded, "Shae, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Shae replied, "Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you don't say a word for the entire ride I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it'll be a hundred dollars."

Dave and Shae agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, and yet nothing was said.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Dave replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Shae fell out, but you know, hundred bucks is hundred bucks!"

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

"When I die", said the old Scot, "I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave."

"We would be happy to do that for you", said one of the younger men, "provided you don't mind if it passes through our kidneys first."

When I was a kid, my family was very poor.

I remember my dad was cutting Onion and our whole family was crying.

Poor Onion.

He was such a good dog.

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter. The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was so obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin that he had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his three best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.

When he returned, he called the three knights in.

He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed as well.

He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was still there!

The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"

The knight replied, "Eywanmytonbac!"

A man was speaking with God and asked him, "God, is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?"

"That's true," God replied.

"And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?"

"That's true," God replied.

"Well, you see I'm a poor man, and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man.

"Sure," said God, "in a minute."

A man goes hiking and sees a farmer with two cows. One is black and the other is white.

The man walks up to the farmer and asks, "What do you feed the cows?"

The farmer asks, "The black one or the white one?"

"The black one," says the man.

"I feed it grass."

"What about the white one then?"

"I feed it grass, too."

The man nods. "And where do they usually sleep?"

"The black one or the white one?" the farmer asks.

"The black one."

"In the barn."

"What about the white one?"

"It sleeps in the barn too," says the farmer.

The hiker starts getting frustrated. "And what do you use them for?" he asks.

The farmer asks again, "The black one or the white one?"

"The black one."

"Well, I use it to get milk."

"And the white one?"

"I use that one to get milk, too."

The hiker gets extremely angry, and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you?! You keep asking me which cow I mean, then give me the same response for both!"

The farmer answers calmly, "Well, because the black cow is mine."

"Oh, and what about the white one?"

"It's mine too..."

A man goes to a bar and sees a "larger" girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner.

She asks the elderly man inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean. Hard of hearing the man asks, "Come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt."

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms. Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was the snake, with two more frogs.

Three men die and go to heaven and when they arrive at the gates St. Peter says to them, "Welcome to the road to heaven. You must travel down this road behind me to reach Heaven. However, the medium of transportation is dependent on how faithful you were to your spouse during your lifetime."

The first man steps up and St. Peter says, "OK Shawn, it says here you have been completely faithful. As promised here is your vehicle, a brand new Ferrari, our top car." Shawn excitedly grabs the keys and takes off down the road.

The second man steps forward. "OK James, you were less than an ideal husband. You strayed a number of times but tried your best to fix things in the end. Here are the keys to your Mercedes, one of our mid-level models." James snatches the key and disappears promptly.

The third man slowly shuffles forward. "Kevin it saddens me to say that you were a serial adulterer, and never really cared for your wife. All you get is this 1989 Accord, which you must drive with only spare tires." He shrugs, grabs the keys, and leaves.

When Kevin arrives at heaven he sees Shawn in his Ferrari, but Shawn is clearly upset. Kevin asks what's the matter. Shawn replies, "I just ran into my wife... on her roller skates!"

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Santa Barbara: 'Talking Dog for Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" asks the guy.

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten bucks."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Three old men are sitting on a bench.

The first one says, "I think I have the worst life here because I wake up at 8:00 every morning but I can't piss!"

The second one then says, "I think my life is worse than yours because I wake up at 8:30 and I can't shit!"

The third one finally says, "Gentlemen I think my life is worse than both of yours."

The first man interjects, "Can you piss?"

The third one replies, "At 9:00 I piss like a racehorse."

Then the second one says, "Can you shit?"

The third man replies again, "At 9:30 I shit like there's trains coming out of my ass."

The two both a little confused ask him, "Then what's the problem?"

"I wake up at 10!!"

"It's impossible," said Pride.

"It's risky," said Experience.

"It's pointless," said Reason.

"Give it a try," whispered the Heart.

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat," said the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence... then the masochist said: "Meow."

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress," she tells the clerk.

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked, "Come again?"

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it's the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A man has been ill for some time. He goes to the doctor and has some tests done. Eventually he goes back to the doctor to get the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you," says the doctor. "You only have a few months to live"

"Is there anything I can do?" the man asks.

The doctor replies, "You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. Give up tea and coffee and drink only water. Avoid chocolate and anything with sugar in. Go to bed at 10:00 each night and don't do anything that gets you the least bit excited."

"Will that make me live longer?" asks the man.

"No, but it will seem longer."

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, Doc?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel."

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him. Actually, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

A couple is laying in bed. The man turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I think we should work out a system to determine whether you want to have sex. On any given night, reach over, and grab my cock. If you want to have sex, give it a tug."

"And if I don't want to have sex?" she inquired.

"Tug it 100 times."

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age - 71.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Doc, do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" he asked.

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

Then we went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked "How does that feel?"

"Feels wonderful," he replied. "But I still think my thumb's broken!"

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies, "That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again, "How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies, "I'm sorry, senor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

A German taxi driver was on his shift. He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and lets him in. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany.

The driver asks, "So, how do you like our country?"

"Oh, it's great," the tourist answers. "But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of."

"Really? Like what?" asks the driver.

"Well, for instance, we don't have these things on the hoods of our cars." He points to the Mercedes emblem. "What are these things doing there?"

The taxi driver thinks to himself, "Ha, this guy doesn't know about hood ornaments. Maybe I'll try and mess with him a little bit." So he says to the guy, "Well, you see, in Germany we have a very good health system. Which in turn helps our population to grow very old. But that can be a problem as the government runs out of money for all the retirement pensions. So the government outfitted some of our cars with these cross hairs and we are asked to take out some really old senior citizens should the opportunity arise!"

The guy is dumbfounded. "Unbelievable", he says. "I have never heard of anything quite like that."

A few minutes pass and suddenly, the taxi driver notices an old lady on the sidewalk in front of them. He thinks to himself, "Okay, this is excellent. I'll get to scare the hell out of this guy by driving up to that lady and steer clear of her at the very last second."

So, he hits the gas and yells to the guy, "Hold on to your hat, in front of us is a prime target. I'll just get her and we will be back on our way, shortly." The guy sits in anticipation and braces himself for impact.

The taxi driver, at the last second, steers clear of the lady and heads back to the road. Just then the driver hears a loud thump. He looks in the rear view mirror and sees the old lady on the ground, blood spilling everywhere and the guy in the back goes, "Well, you sure need to work on your aiming skills. If I hadn't opened my door, we would have missed her, for sure."

An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench. A young man passing by decides to help.

"What's wrong?" asks the young man.

"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." replies the old man.

"I see, and she doesn't love you back?" says the young man.

"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild sex. Then she leaves for work," the old man says.

"That's not bad," the young man says.

"Well, when I get home, she makes my meal and gives me a blow job. After we eat, we have more wild sex," the old man says.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man asks.

"The problem is I forgot where I live!"

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"

The butcher says, "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."

"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."

The butcher thinks for a moment and says, "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."

The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."

"I am. But the steaks are too high."

A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.

"You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says.

"That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.

"That's what you think," says the fortune teller.

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous, too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

Four people are in train car: an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman, and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

Two guys are sitting at the bar talking about their love lives.

John says, "I have sex with my wife once a month."

Jack replies, "We do it twice a week."

John replies, "But Jack, you're not even married!"

"Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife."

A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."

So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.

Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.

Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee.

"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.

A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"

One night a man, feeling lonely, goes into a bar and orders a beer. He sits there for a while, feeling miserable.

Suddenly a beautiful woman sits down on the other end of the bar, and the man wastes no time offering to buy her a drink. They get to talking, and as it turns out the woman is actually a prostitute looking for clients. Taken aback, but curious, the man inquires how much she charges for a handjob.

"$1,000," the woman says curtly.

"A thousand bucks! That's outrageous! Who in their right mind would pay a grand for just a lousy handjob?!" the man exclaims.

"Well, I've been told that I give the best handjob that anyone's ever had, buddy. Do you see that Mercedes out there?" she said, gesturing out the window into the parking lot where a gleaming, clearly expensive Mercedes was parked. "I paid for that with nothing but handjobs. Look buddy, I stand by my product." Taken aback, the man considers this information, and decides to draw the money out of his bank.

They go to a motel, and sure enough, it's the best handjob he's ever had. Absolutely astounding.

A week or so later, the man goes back to the bar, hoping to see the woman again. And he does. Remembering the handjob, he asks her if her blowjobs are as good.

"Buddy, they're even better." she says. "But it's going to cost you."

"Well, how much?" The man asks nervously.

"$5000."

"...FIVE GRAND? You've got to be shitting me, there's no way a blowjob is worth $5000, no matter how good your handjob was."

The woman says "I know it seems like a lot, but do you know that mansion down the street? I live there, and I paid for that house with nothing but blowjobs." Remembering the handjob's magnificence, the man accepts and pulls the money out of the bank.

They go to the motel, and sure enough it's the best blowjob the man has ever had.

The very next day, the man rushes into the bar, and makes a beeline straight for the woman. "Alright" he says. "I've had the handy and I've had the blowjob. I think the real thing will be even better. How much do you charge for sex?"

The woman takes in a sharp breath. "Well, do you know that shopping mall downtown? The huge one?"

"Yeah?" the man inquires excitedly.

"Well, if I had a pussy I'd own that too."

A woman is in bed with her husband's best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answers the phone and says to the person to have a wonderful time and hangs up.

The man asks her who was it and she replies that it was her husband, "He said that he was at a bar with you."

The chief of a tribe in Mexico dies.

His son is now the chief. Since he never learned the ways of his forefathers to predict winters, when he gets asked what should the tribe do, he just tells them to collect firewood.

He then goes to the National Weather Station in Mexico and asks them how bad winter is going to be. They tell him, "It looks like it will be pretty bad".

Shocked, he goes back to his tribe and tells them to gather more firewood.

He goes back to the weather station and asks them again if winter will be bad. They answer, "It is going to be one of the worst winters in a decade."

The Chief goes back to the village and tells them to gather more firewood. Then he goes for a third time to the weather station and asks them again, "will the winter be bad?"

They respond, "It will be the worst winter in a century."

The chief asks them, "How do you know winter will be bad?"

They answer, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'Why not make the best of it?'"

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'"

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

A koala is sitting in a tree and smoking a joint when a lizard sees him.

"Hey man, what are you doing?" asks the lizard.

"Nothing, just smoking some weed!" says the koala.

"Can I have some?" asks the lizard.

"Sure!" says the koala and lets the lizard have a few hits.

They sit on the tree, smoking some weed and shooting the shit when the lizard's mouth starts to get dry.

"Hey man, I'm going to drink some water because my mouth is getting dry," says the lizard.

He then climbs down and goes down to the river to get a drink.

A crocodile sees him drinking and asks him, "Hey man, why are your eyes so red?"

The lizard says, "Oh, I was just smoking some weed!"

The crocodile then asks the lizard where he got the weed from and the lizard says, "I got it from the koala over in that tree."

So while the lizard is drinking water, the crocodile walks over to the tree, looks up and yells, "Hey man, can I get some of that weed?"

The koala looks down, pauses for a bit and says, "HOLLLLLLLLYYYY FUUUUUUUUUUCK DUDE! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK?!"

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly.

"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick and the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the Twist!"

One day George W. Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Bush. "I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said. "I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said Bush. "And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No, but I will be when my father finds out who I saved from drowning."

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The man says, "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grand children, and great grandchildren. However, yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

The priest replies, "Are you sorry for your sins?"

"What sins?" says the man.

"What kind of a Catholic are you?" asks the Priest.

"Catholic? I'm Jewish," Says the man.

"Then why are you telling me all this?" asks the Priest, confused.

"I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody."

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform in bed. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."So, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. He explains, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123.'"

The guy then asks, "What happens when I want the effect to go away."

The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to do is say '1234.' But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his best shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." It works better than he thought.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised seven men, but then dropped the microphone on his foot and said, "Fuck me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

A man walks into a bar. He orders three beers before he walks to a booth where he sits by himself.

He continues to do this for a while before the bartender finally asks, "Why are you always ordering three beers? Wouldn't it be better if you ordered one at a time?"

The man replies, "I used to come in here with my two brothers and drink with them. But now they are at separate places around the world, so I come in here and drink to the memory of them." This all seemed fine, and he kept doing this for a while longer.

After a few weeks the man comes in and asks for only two beers before going to the booth. It immediately becomes quiet in the bar, and no one dares say a word.

Finally the bartender goes up to the man and asks, "Is everything okay? How are you're brothers?"

The man replies, "Oh! No, they are both fine! I just stopped drinking."

A group of soldiers are preparing for an attack from the enemy, when a private walks up to the captain and says, "Captain, I've lost my rifle! What do I do?"

The captain thinks for a moment, then grabs a broom and hands it to the private. He says, "If any enemies show themselves, just point this at them and shout "Bangity bangity bang."

The private argues about how it won't work, but the captain insists until he finally gives up. "Well what about close quarters then?" says the private.

The captain thinks for a moment, then takes a butterknife and sticks it to the end of the broom. He replies, "If they come close, just use this and say "stabbity stabbity stab." The private doesn't even bother arguing this time.

The next day, the enemy mounts a huge offensive. There is an immense army. The private starts aiming his broom and saying, "Bangity bangity bang," and it actually proves effective. This guy starts mowing down the enemy soldiers with his broom, but there's just so many, and they start charging him. So he starts saying, "stabbity stabbity stab," and the soldiers drop in front of him bleeding.

After some time, there is no one left alive on the battlefield but him. There are corpses from both sides everywhere.

Eventually he sees one enemy soldier in the distance. The enemy soldier is not aiming a gun or anything. He is simply walking towards the broom-wielding soldier while mumbling something.

The soldier aims his broom and fires, but to no effect. He continues trying over and over, but the enemy soldier just walks towards him, still mumbling. The soldier gets close, and he tries stabbing, but it still has no effect. The soldier finally reaches him, and simply pushes him over. He literally crushes him just walking over him.

As his life fades, he finally hears the enemy solider walking off saying, "Tankity tankity tank."

A mom is driving her 6 year old daughter to her friend's house.

The daughter asks, "Mom, how old are you?"

The mother replies, "That's not a polite question to ask a lady, dear."

Undaunted, the daughter asks, "Okay, but how much do you weight?"

Again the mother replies, "Honey, that's a very impolite question!"

Persistently, the daughter asks, "Okay mom, one last question. Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is a very rude questions!" says the mom, exacerbated. "That's enough from you, young lady!"

Later, the daughter tells her friend about the conversation she had with her mom and the friend has a suggestion, "Take a look at her driver's license," says the friend. "It's like a report card for adults. It has all that stuff on it!"

Later that night, the daughter tells her mom, "I know how old you are. You are 34! And you weigh 140 pounds!"

"How in the world did you know that?" the mother asks, shocked.

"I also know why daddy divorced you!" says the daughter, triumphantly.

"And why's that?!" says the mother.

"You got an F in sex."

A young gay man comes out. He sits down with his mother and explains his sexual preferences.

She sits quietly for a while, then asks him "Does this mean you allow a man to put his penis in your mouth?"

Somewhat taken aback, he responds "Well, yes."

She says "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces, "Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."

The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward. "First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20." The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?" "Tie the Aussie to my back."

A woman brings another man home while her husband is away at work. Her kid is home, sees the man and gets scared and runs into his mother's closet. The woman brings the man up and they start to do their thing. Suddenly, the front door opens up. The husband is home from work early. The wife tells the man to hide in the closet. Low and behold, the kid is also in the closet.

"It sure is dark in here" says the kid.

"Yeah", says the man nervously.

"Hey, do you want to buy my baseball glove?" asks the kid.

"No, I don't want that," says the man.

"Well, you do know I can shout and get you in trouble and my father will find out. So again, do you want to buy my baseball glove?", asks the kid.

"Sure, how much do you want?"

"$200."

"$200?! I'm not paying that. Forget it, kid."

"Fine, I'll tell my parents..."

"Alright, here's $200."

Two weeks pass, and the man comes over again. The kid, who's scared once again, runs into his mothers closet. Same thing happens, the husband comes home from work early and tells the man to hide in the closet. Again, the man and the boy are together again.

"It sure is dark in here" says the boy. "Alright, what do you want to sell me this time?" says the man. "My baseball, and I'll lower the price. $100".

"Alright, alright, here's $100".

Week passes and the weekend is here. The father asks the boy to have a game of catch with him.

"I can't papa, I sold my glove and my ball" . "What, why? How much did you sell it for?".

"$300 for everything".

"$300?! It's not worth that much money. You shouldn't rip people off like that. On Sunday, we're going to church and you're going to confess your sins to the priest and hope for forgiveness."

Sunday rolls around the family arrives to church. The father sits the son down in a confessional with the priest to forgive him of his sins.

"It sure is dark in here" says the boy. "Don't start this shit again" says the priest.

A woman gets pulled over by a state trooper.

As the Officer walks up to her window and flips open his little book the lady says, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper ball, aren't you?"

The Officer looks at her with a puzzled look on his face and says, "but ma'am, state troopers don't have balls."

There was a silence, the officer tipped his hat, turned around, got back in his car, and drove away.

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because your stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."

That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:

"Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better."

A mechanic dies, and, not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. While in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering around, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at - fixing stuff. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic because Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refuses, and God threatens to sue him for the mechanic.

"Sue me?" Satan asks. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse but couldn't find her license. She was getting quite flustered.

"What does it look like?" the driver finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

Two conjoined twins walk into a pub.

The bartender is amazed. "You're not from around here, are you?"

The siamese on the left side replies, "No, we're French. Every summer we come to the UK, rent a car and start a road trip."

"So, you must really like the country," says the bartender.

"Not that much. But once a year, my brother can drive."

A lawyer is about to enter a party and decides to tell people that he's a doctor instead of a lawyer since people seem to think badly about lawyers, and he's always been attacked by lawyers jokes.

After he's mingled for a little while, a guy comes up to him and tells him that there's another doctor there who works at the same hospital he does. To his surprise, this other doctor plays along and pretends to know him.

After the party ends, the guy goes up to the doctor and says, "Thanks for playing along. So, what does it feel like to be a real doctor?"

The man replies, "I wouldn't know. I work for the IRS."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

A young lawyer passed the Bar Exam and decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and looked fabulous. He felt that in this suit he will come across as very professional.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a lawyer?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets?"

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

My mother came to visit recently.

Once she entered the house, my wife greeted her, saying, "Hi Mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?"

My mother replied, "As long as you want me to."

My wife exclaimed, "What! You won't even stay for coffee?"

A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The ophthalmologist chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."

The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there's anything I can do for them."

They were silent for a moment.

Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesite service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 PM.

They gathered at 2 PM and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

A man is walking a penguin down the street on a leash. A policeman sees him and stops the man.

The policeman says, "What are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"

A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

He says, "Hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

The man replies, "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "I don't know. What?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Upon answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Fred, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 94. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Fred, "It's hundreds of them!!"

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning against a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $500 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $2,000 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $2,000."

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a "Thank You" card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Next a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Yes Sir, I sure am."

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

There is a guy who has a 25 inch dick. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?" The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?" Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog responds, "How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!"

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible," says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" asks Jeff.

"I kicked her in the face."

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella asked, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her labia reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse," continued the doctor. "She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25-year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert again. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, all of the sudden Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready to go again. And, once more they enjoy each other.

As Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert."

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"

Mama and Papa Bear are getting divorced and the Judge is asking Baby Bear who he wishes to live with.

"So, is it Mama or Papa?" asks the Judge.

"Mama and Papa beat me," says Baby Bear.

"Well do you have any other relatives?" asked the Judge.

"I have an uncle in Chicago," replies Baby Bear.

"Does he beat you too?" asks the Judge.

"Naww," says Baby Bear. "The Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

A mother, father, and their young son go to a zoo. The child looks at one of the pens and says, "Hey mom, what's that?"

The mother replies, "Oh, that's an elephant."

Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks, "What's that under the elephant?"

Embarrassed, the mother replies, "Oh, that's nothing."

The child then walks over to his father and asks, "Dad, what's that thing underneath the elephant?"

His dad replies, "That's the elephant's penis son."

The child says, "Well, mom says it's nothing."

The dad replies, "Oh, how I spoil that woman."

A monastery's bell ringer died and the monks put an ad in the paper for a new one.

The next day a man comes to the door to apply and he has no arms. The head monk says, "Sir, how can you ring our bell if you have no arms?"

The applicant replies, "Just give me a chance, take me to the bell tower and I'll show you."

They all go to the bell tower and ask him to show them how he plans to do it. The applicant gets a running start and slams his face into the bell: "RINNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!"

Before anyone can stop him, he backs up and runs smack into the bell again and falls to the ground dead.

The head monk asks the others, "Did anyone catch his name?"

Another monk replies, "No, but his face sure rings a bell."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and she was about to board, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. For the second time, she attempted the step, and, once again could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be good samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body?! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared les,s knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Nick was summoned once more. The king had gotten an itch...

Two young married women were having a girls night out on the town. Walking home from the bar they both realized they needed to pee. They saw a cemetery across the street and decided to go behind the headstones. Having nothing to wipe with, the first girl takes off her panties, wipes, then tosses them.

The second girl doesn't want to toss her expensive panties so she grabs a card out of some flowers and uses that. Giggling, they continue home.

The next morning the husband of the first girl calls the husband of the second and says "these girls nights out have to stop! My wife came home without her underwear last night!" The second husband says "you think that's bad, my wife came home with a card between her buttcheeks that said, 'We'll all miss you! Lots of love, the guys at firestation #19!'"

A married couple of twenty years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, twenty years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated, "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said, "I'll explain this when you explain the kids!"

A man tells his wife he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets the store, he finds out its closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and starts talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he knows he's in the girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it's 3:00 am.

"Oh my god! My wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick, give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he gets home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

"Well, to tell you the truth," he says, "I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde, and slept with her."

"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.

"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you. Your clients will respect you. You'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment.

"What's the catch?" he asked.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies.

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

A husband hires a private detective to find out if his wife is cheating on him.

The detective reports back and says he discovered, unfortunately, that she is.

"What happened?" asks the husband

"She went to a hotel and waited in the bar area. On three different occasions men came up to her, handed her $50 and she would give them a key. 5 minutes later she would disappear upstairs somewhere and then return after a while."

"Oh my god, d... do you think... Shes a prostitute? " asks the husband.

"I thought it was pretty obvious", says the detective, "but after the last fella came back down, I made sure."

"You confronted him?"

"No, I gave her $50."

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said, "Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair."

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?"

The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

A woman walks into a bar and appears to be depressed. Alone, she begins drinking heavily. A man walks into the bar soon after with the same expression on his face and sits a few stools down from her while also beginning to drink heavily. Eventually, the woman slides down and asks him what's wrong.

"My girlfriend just broke up with me because I'm too kinky," he replied.

"You're kidding" she says, "That's the exact same reason my boyfriend just broke up with me."

They drink a little more and eventually she suggests they go back to her place. "We clearly have a lot in common so let's go get kinky together," she says. He happily agrees.

They get back to her place and she tells him to wait there while she goes to slip into something a little more comfortable. She goes upstairs and opens up her collection of dominatrix accessories: thigh high leather boots, nipple clamps, whips, chains, handcuffs, ball gags, dildos - the works. She gets dressed and walks downstairs just in time to see him putting on his coat getting ready to leave.

"Where are you going? I thought we were gonna get kinky?"

"Look lady, I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse. I'm outta here."

A child asked his father, "Why do good people die young?"

His father responded, "When you are in a garden, which flower do you pick?"

The child responded, "The Ugly Ones."

The father, unprepared for that response, asked, "Why?"

"Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden"

A man called the hotel manager and said "Come up quickly. I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!"

The manager replied, "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..."

The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss, that's just my paycheck in my pocket."

"Oh, really?" she spat. "Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trunk, slams him on the pavement and then stomps the life out of him.

It was a different elephant.

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants sleep with his wife in his absence. Yet this is not a regular chastity belt, because the knight was cruel and capricious. This chastity belt had spikes and blades inside so that anyone who would try to have sex with his wife would have their member scarred and mangled. And off to the crusades he goes!

Several years later he returns from the crusade, bloody and weary. His first order of business is to call all his servants together and line them up in the hallway. Somewhat nonplussed, the servants line up as requested. The knight demands that all his servants immediately drop their breeches. Sure enough, every one of his servants' organs are cut and mutilated. Every one that is, except for one.

The knight walks over to this last servant and says, "My wife is a very beautiful lady, and I commend you on having the restraint to not sleep with her. Name your reward and it will be yours!"

The servant replies, "Mghbdhgufsgsifbtjsh".

The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream...

...and asked me if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked."

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

A man is sitting at a bar. After the third beer he decides to go home. He tries to walk out, but as soon as he is off his chair, he falls on the ground. He figures he's probably not drunk enough.

He orders another one, tries to go, but again falls on the ground.

After two more beers and tries he decides just to crawl home.

The next morning his wife says to him in the bed. "You were in the bar last night."

"How did you know?"

"The bartender called. You forgot your wheelchair."

A man sits next to a woman on the bus.

He says, "That's a very nice smelling perfume. I think I'd like to buy it for my wife - what brand is it? ".

She replies "Don't, it will just give idiots an excuse to talk to her."

A blind man walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!"

The blind man says "same"

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man are on a plane and the pilot comes out and issues everyone a challenge, "If you can guess where we are by sticking your hand out of the window ill give you 50 grand."

The Scottish man quickly jumps up and sticks his hand out of the window. "We are in Dundee," he guesses. The pilot shakes his head.

Then the Irish man tries. "We are in Dublin," he guesses. Again the pilot shakes his head.

Then the English man steps up. "We are in Liverpool," he says.

Shocked, the pilot answers, "Yes! That's right, but how did you know?"

The English man replies, "Because my watch has been stolen."

A programmer tells his wife, "I'm going to the store."

The wife says, "While you're there, buy some milk."

He never came back.

After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?"

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"

I greeted the mailman at the door naked.

He freaked out.

Not so much because of my appearance, more because of how I knew where he lived.

Queen: Come to bed.

King: Not until I have a name for my Soldiers.

Queen: K, night.

King: My lady, you're a genius.

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.

A blonde calls her mom...

Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"

Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"

Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?

Hey y'all... Watch this!

Teacher: How old is your father?

Johnny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?

Little Johnny: He became father only after I was born.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."

He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."

She says, "How much for all night?"

Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"

Brunette: "I don't know."

Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"

Two students talk:

"What are you reading?"

"Quantum physics theory book."

"But why are you reading it upside-down?"

"It makes no difference anyway."

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you re wanted on the phone, sir."

"What d you mean, you think?" demanded the boss.

"Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said is that you, you old fool?"

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered,

"Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:

"Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent.

"Yes," replied the teller. "He was better dressed each time."

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

Equation

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Men = Donkeys + earn money

Therefore,

Men - earn money = Donkeys

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Donkeys

Did you hear about the annoying midget who went to a nudist colony?

He kept getting in everyone's hair.

A tourist on a farm asked the farmer why one pig had a wooden leg.

The farmer said, "That pig is the bravest pig I ever saw."

"So why does he have a wooden leg?" the tourist asked.

"One night, our house caught on fire, and he came inside and woke us all up."

The tourist asked again, "So, why does that pig have a wooden leg?"

"You can't eat a pig that brave all at once!"

What does an Irishman get after eating Italian food?

Gaelic breath.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?

He doesn't!

He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.

The man says, "Can you brew tea?"

The Irishman says, "Yes."

"Good.

Can you drive a fork lift?"

The Irishman looks at him and asks, "Why?

How big is the teapot?"

A blonde was swimming.

She swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.

Her husband came home and found her dead in the bathtub.

A friend of mine just got divorced.

He and his ex-wife split the house.

He got the outside.

There were two bulls on top of a hill. One bull was a strong and young bull, while the other was old and weak. They see a herd of female cow at the bottom of the hill.

The young bull asks, "Whaddya say we run down and fuck one of 'em?"

The old bull replies, "How about we walk down and fuck 'em all?"

I was teased about my penis size almost every day of elementary school.

I got called names like teeny weenie, micro dong, and pickled pecker.

If it weren't for that, being home-schooled wouldn't have been so bad.

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...

He says,"Give me 2 shots."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot!"

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 AM.

3 AM, can you believe it?

Lucky him that I was awake playing drums.

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, 7 years bad luck.

condom walks in laughing

Doctor: Hi how are you today?

Patient: I'm well thanks.

Doctor: Get the fuck out then.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Son: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"

Dad: "Pretty damn high."

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?"

Never works on me ladies.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.

He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

"You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode...

There were two friends drinking and one says to the other, "I have a trumpet that tells the time."

"The time?" the friend asks.

"Yes, yes look..." He grabs the trumpet and opens the window and starts to play it like crazy.

All of a sudden you can hear... "You $#@% it's 3 in the morning"

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.

She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.

After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she's steaming.

"What was that!?" she asked.

"What?" God responded, "You died."

"You said I would live another 40 years!"

"Oh." God thought for a while.

"I didn't recognize you."

I visited Stockholm.

At first the place depressed me and I wanted to leave.

Now, I love the place so much and want to stay forever.

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

A guy decides to do something nice for his girlfriend before they leave on vacation so he gets her name tattooed on his penis. He comes home and shows it to her.

She looks at it and says, "That's great, sweetie, but what is 'Wy'?"

He tells her to rub it and as she does she sees it actually reads "Wendy."

When they arrive at Montego Bay, the couple are walking along a nude beach and the boyfriend notices a black guy with "Wy" on his penis.

He asks the man if he also has a girlfriend named Wendy.

The black guy laughs and says, "Nah, mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day."

Doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles.

Should one of them be lower than the other three?

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day.

One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant and she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Two Italian men get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but then she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A father has three sons. One is an accountant, one is an engineer and the other is a lawyer.

The father asks each of his three sons the same question, "What does two plus two equal?"

The accountant son answers, "Four point zero zero."

The engineer son answers, "Somewhere between 3.9999 and 4.0001."

Finally, the father asks his son the lawyer "What does two plus two equal?".

The lawyer pulls his father into the other room and closes the door. He then closes the blinds and motions for his father to come into the corner. He whispers, "What do you want it to equal?"

So this guy asks if I prefer breasts or legs

And I reply, really I'd prefer wet pussy.

Apparently this is not an appropriate thing to say at KFC.

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And then God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

A chicken walks in to a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"

The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."

The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."